Anniversaries and Reflections

As I approach my one year mark as a foreign resident of Uganda, I have become more aware of how my attitude about myself, my environment and my decision to come to Uganda changes a jillion times a day. Never in my life have I been so conscious of the evolution of my outlook, my goals, and what is important to me. It's really encouraging but terrifying at the same time. I must constantly keep it in check, so as not to become some horrid, jaded expat before the next year is up. It's amazing how fast the time has gone in retrospect, but there were moments when I thought that life was crawling by. For example, my first few weeks in Uganda tested all of my limits, patience, and my perception of myself as somewhat tough. I think it was around week three, last March:

I found myself trying to talk to my Mom on my new cellphone in my room in my Ugandan family's house, bottle of Raid in hand stalking the largest cockroach I have ever seen (seriously it must have been half monkey or something), when the power decided to go out, the connection with my Mom lost, cockroach scattered, headlamp nowhere in sight, and I felt the now familiar rumblings of an American stomach in Africa. It was at this moment that I lost it. Crying, in the dark, inhaling the Raid that missed its mark, questioning myself and my decision to join the Peace Corps.

That was the first of many days that I began to wonder, why did I want to do this? I can't say that I still don't have those moments, even now. The moments come in smaller instances, but they are ever present. The daily attitude battle usually begins like this:

I begin to think, why did Ajambo just call me Mzungu? She knows my name is Olivia, and I have asked her to call me that!! Then my emotions and thoughts start stewing, "it is probably just because I am always going to be the perceived stranger. No matter how many neighbors I know, no matter how much I can talk to the ladies in the market in local language, no matter how many trainings I conduct or workshops I develop, no matter how easily I can light my charcoal stove, I will always, always be that white woman who lives down the street. Or, the Americana. Or the mizungu. Or Nabwire. Never just Olivia."

I understand this some days, yet on others it just makes me furious. I mean, can't I just walk to the nearest vegetable stand and buy eggplants unmolested by 50 people yelling my local name or mzungu?!? I just want an eggplant!!!! But on other days, its amazing how much this same yelling makes me feel accepted and wonderful. When I see the little boy down the street who only wears a shirt (doesn't roll with pants) who stands on his front stoop and waits for me to come by on my daily afternoon walk to town and yells to me, Mzungu! I'm fine!! instead of waiting for me to ask him how he is doing, it lifts my spirits. He just can't wait for me to give my part, he's been waiting all day to tell me he's fine. And that's just fine with me. In this way, I am not a stranger. I am one of the highlights of his day, and he is one of mine. It's our routine. I have a routine! I live in Africa and I have a routine, man life is good.

On the days I put myself through an emotional rollercoaster of trying to decide whether or not I really belong here, something almost always happens like the little boy with no pants who wants to tell me he's fine. There are days when I go out into the slums to visit with bedridden HIV/AIDS patients in hopes to figure out a way to better address their needs in the community based health system. I spend the entire day walking from hut to hut in the relentless African sun, only to find sick person after sick person waiting for me. When I reach home at the end of the day, I find myself staring into space, lost in thought. Or crying. Or fighting the urge to call home and say, I can't do this anymore. This is the lowest point. I can't find clarity, I can only focus on what is sad or what is unfair. I am not looking for a solution or a way forward, I can only see what I can't do. I can't provide ARVs, I can't save a life. Why am I here? And then there is a knock at the door. I wipe my face and go to see who's visiting. I find my five year old neighbor Simon standing there with a boiled sweet potato in his hands. He says, this is for you Auntie Olivia. Then I hear his family, from the next porch over, say, Come and we eat! And I put on my shoes and eat lunch on their porch. I end up talking about my day with Simon's mother and my frustrations. She reassures me, says yes it is hard. We all feel that way Olivia, but we can't give up hope. And I realize, yes - enough now Olivia. I eat my beans and sweet potatoes and regain my faith in people and my hope for a solution.

The constant struggle to reassure myself and my intentions will most definitly continue until my last day in Uganda. Yet, in being aware of this persistent conundrum, at least I can try to accept what I cannot change and learn how to solve what I have the capability to solve. I cannot ask any more of myself than this. And that is enough.

Youth Development Centre!

I feel like a Peace Corps volunteer today. Natalie, my closest neighboring PC volunteer and I have successfully written our proposal for the renovation of the town's youth room as well as a proposal for a girl's empowerment camp that I am going to run and a literacy program that she is heading up. We've been in lots of meeting and working really hard and today I got reassurance that this is really going to happen. The best part is that it's not my or Natalie's ideas - they are the ideas of the many youth and organizations in town, they've just not had the capacity to coordinate their efforts to make the youth centre grow to its full potential. Right now the room is empty but for a tv and computer donated by Christian Children's Fund. There is water damage in the ceiling that we just got word that we will have fixed by a volunteer youth environment group and we are also hoping to get timber donated to build wall to wall bookshelves in the room. We are planning on painting it lots of fun colors, as well as creating centers in the room that would include a reading/writing center, art center, computer/typing center, and a math center. WE have a concept meeting planned with the district officials, town council government officials, NGOs, the youth and community based organizations planned in two weeks. I am so excited, I can't wait to begin. It's amazing, I had no idea that we'd be able to get this far in such a short amount of time. Everyone in Busia has been really supportive and willing to work to get this project off the ground. There isn't a library in the whole district, so if we make bookshelves and get some books it will be such a blessing for the children here. I am going to document the process and hopefully put our proposals on my blog as an attachment so that everyone can get involved if they feel as though they want to. As the program develops, there may be a way I can get everyone from home involved in the camps and literacy program if you'd like. Just let me know! Great, great, great day!

Long Time

So it's been a long time since my last post, and I apologize. Things here have been busy. The main issue has been the Kenyan crisis. We are all watching and reading the news fervently as things seem to worsen daily. For about a month after the elections on December 27, my town had a steady influx of refugees. I was working at the camp helping to distribute food, carry sacks of charcoal and register new arrivals. It was exhausting but really worth it in the end. Everyone was so humble and I even learned some new Swahili words! Also in the last month or so, I have been working hard to develop a youth center and girls empowerment camp proposal. Fingers crossed this should be completed in the next few weeks. I begin renovations on the center in February, I will begin posting more and putting up pictures of the progress. If anyone out there knows of a good way or organization that could donate books or art supplies, please let me know! Thanks so much! I am also going to try to implement art therapy for some of the kids that are most affected by the issues here - any help or feedback on this subject would be so helpful. Thanks everyone for all the letters and emails and packages. Christopher and I are going to camp out in a rain forest this weekend - I am stoked! I will put up pictures when I can, I promise! Great week and merry weekend to you all!

Are YOU Ready for CHOGM?

I have been a bit out of touch lately, mostly due to the fact that our office has undergone some technical upgrades. I am happy to report that we now have a very sophisticated internet connection and office network that will allow me to better keep up with this blogging business.

This week is a big week for Uganda on the international scene. The State House is hosting the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting in Kampala starting on Friday, of which the Queen of England will be attending. Thus, Uganda has undergone some heavy duty beautification projects over the last few months in preparation for her arrival. I can remember talks of CHOGM on the radio and in the paper since I arrived in country in March. From what I can gather, the Queen had boycotted coming to Uganda since the time of Idi Amin due to some unfriendly comments the former dictator had to say about her and her country. Therefore, the government of Uganda has been bending over backwards to welcome her after so many years. I have to admit, Uganda is looking quite fabulous for Her Majesty!

"Are you ready for CHOGM?" has been the slogan of the event and its plastered all over taxi buses, billboards, posters, and newspapers throughout the country. It is an international forum of the 'voluntary association of independent sovereign states, consulting and co-operating in the common interests of their peoples and in the promotion of international understanding and world peace.' The sovereign state is represented by the heads of government of the UK as well as the heads of government of the former colonies. The Queen will arrive on Friday, yet many heads of state have already arrived as they are having meetings to discuss better collaboration between the commonwealth countries as well as having a people's forum to discuss issues pertinent to the Ugandan people. CHOGM is held once every two years, with the venue changing every time. The president of Uganda, Yoweri Museveni, made a speech last night that expressed his devotion to Ugandan development and environmental conservation. I hope that many good things come out of the meeting and that Uganda does committ itself to increasing efforts towards protecting the natural beauty of this country.

For more CHOGM info, check out http://www.fco.gov.uk/servlet/Front?pagename=OpenMarket/Xcelerate/ShowPage&c=Page&cid=1007029393672

Baby Steps

So, I have been driving myself and Christopher crazy lately. Due to the recent theft of my phone along with the insufficient funds to purchase another one, I am left with a lot of time to think. As a result of all this brain activity, I have since become frustrated with myself and my work.
I have been trying to develop a gender-based violence program here in the Town Council, yet during my meetings with the deputy of police and the family protection unit, a few "issues" have come up. First, in discussing the need to protect women's rights, as many times they do not have equal say in their relationship, the response to my question of "would you like to become involved in the project with me?" has normally been: "Yes, but why are you only focusing on women, the men will feel left out." And this is a women's rights project. Secondly, and this one is quite ironic. I have been going to the police station a lot, in hopes to get their advice and support in starting up this program as well as a substance-abuse program in town, yet there is a particular police officer that seems to always know where I am or will be. When I see him he consistently asks to give my father 6 cows for my hand in marriage (to be his 3rd wife, mind you). I continue telling him to leave me alone and that I am happily married already (quick, someone send me a fake wedding ring). Despite the sheer notion that its creepy that he is Weirdo McStalker, doesn't it defeat the entire purpose of me trying to get the police to help me out with my women's rights project to stalk me?!? Thirdly, I want to hold a refresher course for our home-based care volunteers so that if they come across a client who is a victim of domestic violence or have a family member with a substance abuse problem, they will know how to handle it and where to refer the family should they request help. I was in the process of renting a meeting place, organizing the volunteers, and getting the training agenda worked out when my supervisor informed me that I must inform the district government that I want to hold a training, they must approve it, be invited, and appoint the trainer. This is fine, I don't mind if they must know everything, I just got frustrated that I had no idea I needed to do all of that and now the training is pushed back indefinetly.
I had a Peace Corps In-Service Training last week in Kampala. It was wonderful to see my friends and my Christopher. I ate a ceasar salad and had a steak. Amazing. I had forgotten what good food really was like. The training was great, my APCD did an amazing job coming up with activity planning worksheets and helpful ways of putting plans into action. I learned so much. Yet here's where the frustration kicks in: Day 2, the hotel, housing all of the volunteers in my group (48) and most of our supervisors and counterparts (a lot) runs out of water. No showers, no toilets, no brushing your teeth. We asked them to give us jerri cans of water (big containers), yet to no avail. We asked them to show us where the latrines are, wouldn't let us. I will leave the rest of the story to your own imagination, just remember to think about 48 dirty Peace Corps volunteers and our respective stomach issues. On that note, frustration number 2 of last week. A buffet of straight Ugandan food 5 times a day. Now, I have no issue with Ugandan food, even though it is pretty bland it is pretty good. I just haven't been eating it as much as I was in training now that I am at my site, since I cook for myself. The Ugandan diet is based mainly on tons of starch - white rice, plaintains, plaintains mashed up (matoke), posho (white, gluey corn meal), and potatoes are a staple of almost every meal (even breakfast sometimes). So by day 3 and lots of starch...well let just say maybe I got lucky since couldn't use the toilets that didn't work or the unavailable latrines for 2 days.
Lastly, I returned to my house over the weekend to find that my basil plant (which I have been baby-ing like crazy) got all shriveled up in the heat and may be a lost cause. I also discovered that although I eradicated the ants that are slowly eating away at the insides of my living room and kitchen, they have beaten me once again by moving into my bathroom.
So I have decided, on Christopher's insistence, that I have to do more yoga and more consistently, make small goals for myself each day to feel somewhat accomplished, and pour myself into finding ways of integrating into my community a little better. My goals for October so far are as follows:
1. Furnish my second bedroom
2. Learn to kill a chicken (funny I know, but hey this is Africa)
3. Keep my basil alive
4. More yoga
5. Cook Canadian Thanksgiving dinner

Suggestions are (as we say in Uganda) most welcome.

On Saturday, Sept 8, I attended the Uganda v. Niger football game in Namboole Stadium, Kampala. The Ugandan Cranes are vying for a spor in the African Cup in Ghana 2008. I travelled on Saturday morning, only to arrive in Kampala amongst all the game day chaos! There were taxis everywhere with people hanging out the windows yelling, holding flags, trumpets, branches and leaves! I still don't understand the leaves part. We arrived at the staduim and I bought some corny Uganda flare, only to meet up with my friends and discover I looked normal. Some of the other muzungus were painted head to toe in the colors of Uganda (red, black and yellow). The game started off well, with Uganda scoring its first goal in the first minute. The stadium went nuts. I have never been to a soccer game before, so it was a fun experience for me. The noise of all the people blowing their trumpets created this buzzing noise through the whole game, sounded like swarming bees. The crowd was cheering, Oh yee, oh yee, Uganda Cranes oh yee! We joined in, must have looked pretty silly. I heard from my friends in Busia when I returned that they put us on tv. We were that much of a spectacle, ha! In the end, the Cranes won, 3-0. and have qualified again for Ghana. Since soccer depends on the points you have, not the process of elimination, Uganda must beat Zambia in the points ranking to go, so cross your fingers! Uganda Cranes oh yee!

the hizzouse

So I am a spoiled brat. I have a new house, running water, a toilet and a flippin shower, electricity and a sweet compound. I realize that many of you are wondering what my place looks like, envisioning me in a grass thatched hut or a bush or something. Well kids, I won't hold out on you anymore. Here she is, home sweet home. There are more and I will supplement them at some time. Seeing as how it has taking me this long to put these up, I wouldn't hold your breath for new ones soon. As mentioned in my emails, I have waged a battle on the ants who seem hella determined to take over Oliviaville, yet they shalt not conquer as I am a formidable opponent to those tiny little pests. And yes, my field mouse is still around eating my tomatoes. He's cute I can't kill him, what do you want from me? He has stayed away of late due to the presence of another voracious beast in my house (more to come on this subject in a later post). I am happy to report that I now have living room furniture as well as a kitchen table. I have experienced some "difficulty" with the carpenters in my town. Let's just say that if my daddy was here, he'd have opened a can already. So after about a month of threatening the police if they didn't just paint the damn shelf brown, I finally have furniture in the house. I have cement floors, which is great because you can't see the red dust all over it that well, and they are easy to clean. And yes ma, I clean my floors once a week. I have an extra bedroom that right now holds only my clothesline for hanging up my wet clothes, but I am thinking of maybe puting a bed in there and a bunch of art supplies to help me pass the time. I will let ya'll know. Alright um, yeah I don't have much else to say about my house...more pictures will follow, I promise.